Imagine you were house shopping. You’ve done
most the research online and have narrowed your search down to three homes. They
share the same great location, and all have unique, lovely interiors. When you go
to visit the homes in person, you notice that their outsides are very different.
The first home is surrounded by an eight-foot, cement wall with an iron gate.
The second has fence posts, but no fence and there are several paths leading
through the yard – to the house or other locations. The third home has a waist
high, white picket fence and a wooden gate. Just from the exteriors of these
homes, what would be your thoughts regarding the people that lived there?
This was one of the analogies shared in class
this week, that I really liked. Because the thing is, that how one feels about
each home is dependent on the individual. Some people prefer distance and crystal-clear
boundaries – such as a cement wall. Others want everyone to feel welcome, and
while there is a general idea of where the boundary lies – the fence posts – it
doesn’t act as any kind of deterrent. And some seem to have found a balance
between the two. They encourage interaction, yet are clear as to where the
boundaries are – the white picket fence.
These homes represent different kinds of families.
The interior of each are unique and lovely in their own way, yet they all run on
drastically different systems. So, what makes a family system? It’s the
unspoken rules, the relationships, and how your family interacts.
Growing up in my home one of our unspoken
rules was the seating arraignment around the dinner table. If someone else sat
in your “spot” you didn’t think kindly towards that person and it would often
cause a small confrontation. Even now, when all the “kids” are grown and out of
the house, this rule of sorts is still evident. On a recent trip home for the
holidays, we’d gather around the table for dinner and night after night we’d
all take the same seats at the table. They weren’t assigned, it was just simply
understood that that seat was yours.
Each individual has their own “spot” in their
family. The mom, dad, brother, sister, youngest, oldest, middle, goofball, serious,
cheeky, etc. You get the point. Without each quirky individual in your family,
it just wouldn’t be the same. There is a well-known saying goes something along
the lines that, the whole is greater than the sum total of its parts. While a
family is made up of individuals, it’s the interactions between each person that
make the family a whole.
With
the understanding that each family handles situations differently, this then
begs the question: As everyone’s family is so different, is there an ideal system
or way of doing things?
Family theorists and therapists agree that
yes, there is an “Optimal Family System.” Or the “white picket fence” system. Boundaries
between members of the family should be clear and well-defined. Yet, these
boundaries should not become stiff and rigid to the point of being off-putting
and distant. However, a lack of boundaries is also bad. If there is no
structure within a home, there is no real peace. Children within the home need
structure and love. A balance between.
This kind of system is best found when
parents work closely together in harmony. Husband and wife, that present a
united front and express love to their children while maintaining healthy boundaries.
This allows children to develop, confident in their parents’ relationship with
each other and their love for the child.